President Obama Jokes

On their first evening in The White House, President Obama is surprised to find something new about Michelle POTUS: Oh honey, you finally did it all the way. Thanks, bae. Loved it. Great way to celebrate. Michelle: I did for all of us - You, me, the American people, and the entire world. From this day on, this place shall never again house any bush.

President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court ""I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!"" said an excited Obama.

President Obama to the Queen: ""Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"" ""Well,"" said the Queen, ""the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."" Obama frowned, and then asked, ""But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"" The Queen took a sip of champagne. ""Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch"" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. ""Please s…

A Muslim, a Communist and a black man walk into a bar. The bartender says: ""Welcome, President Obama!""

ObamaCare explained by a Chicago Plumber to Obama himself Chicago Plumber Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it. Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago, where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year. Troy arrives and takes his tools into the house. He is led to the g…

Osama is back Osama is somehow alive and decides to laugh a bit at the rest of the world. So he writes and sends a note to president Obama. On the other side of the world Obama gets called out of his conference. His assistant says in a quiet voice: ""Mr. president, sir, we have bad news... We have received a message from Osama Binladen! He is still alive!"" - ""What does it say?"" - ""370H55V 0773H"" Obama is clueless. So he sends this message to his secret service... They are clueless as well..…

You don't hear much from our Vice President.... Obama zipped him up and he's a-biden. Edit: typo. For you, grammar nazis.

My friend Larry says he knows everyone... During President Obama's inauguration, Larry told me, ""You know, Obama and I are buddies."" said, ""Sure you are."" He said, ""No, really! Just turn on your TV tonight to the Inaugural Ball. You'll see me."" Sure enough, I turned on the TV that night, and there was Larry, talking to President Obama with his arm around the guy. Not long after, I was talking to Larry about how much I like Jennifer Lawrence. Larry said, ""Oh, she's a good friend of mine.""…

Obama throws a grenade at a terrorist..... The grenade explodes.... President Obama then proceeds to open his mouth then yells out ""You got O BOMB'aD son!""

Did you hear about the commemorative gun they're making in honor of the democrat party and president Obama? It's called the union worker You'll over pay It never works And you can't fire it

President Obama to rename the White House

Bill O'Reilly calls President Obama and asks him what he'd like most for the holidays. ""I couldn't possibly accept gifts in my position,"" said Obama. The TV host insists and said he could ask for anything, no matter how big or small. ""Well,"" said Obama, ""If you insist I suppose I could accept a dozen Titleist Pro V1's (golf balls). My game is off and lately I seem to be loosing my balls."" A month later the President is watching TV when the O'Reilly says, ""A while back we asked a number of…

NFL jokes Insert any team you don't like in blank spot: What's the best way to keep ___ out of your front yard? Put field goal post up! Why does President Obama want to send ____ QB to Syria? The CIA are convinced ____QB is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad. What do ____ have in common with postal service? Neither deliver on Sunday. What's the difference between a dollar bill and _____? You can still get four quarters from a dollar bill. What's the difference between a _____ fan a…

The South Declares War President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. ""Hello, President Obama"" a heavily accented southern voice said. ""This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"" ""Well Archie,"" Barack replied, ""This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"" ""Right now,"" said Archie, after a moments calculation ""there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door…

Told by the driver of the bus we were on Driver: so you hear president obama is in the hospital right? Us: no we didnt Driver: he cant stop putin

What do you call it when President Obama and Joe Biden talk shop over a nice dinner? A government man-date. Boom. I'll be here all night.

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, ""Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me""? Cashier: ""It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID""? Obama: ""Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States ."" Cashier: ""Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters an…

This week President Obama became the first president to get a life-size 3D-printed portrait done. It looked so real that Joe Biden argued with it for 20 minutes that Peeta is better than Gale. Biden then realized his mistake, . . . and admitted Gale is the clear choice.

Topical Jokes for 10/27 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) In Portland, they held a competition to see who had the best beard and mustache. The winner was a complete loser. ...first prize in the beard contest was a record of band that broke up before they recorded a song, and an enormous jar filled with apathy. In Toronto, Rob Ford has lost his reelection bid. Ford's opponent won with the slogan, ""I am Not Rob Ford."" ...Rob Ford gave a tear-filled concession…

President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn't have his ID. And the teller said you've got to prove who you are. He said, ""How should I do that?"" She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn't have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check. And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn't have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a …

Topical Jokes for 10/16 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Joe Biden's son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, ""Do you have any left!?!"" New York has selected yogurt as the state's official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt. In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has b…

Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, and Barack Obama walk into a liquor store. Tiger Woods brings his alcohol up to the counter, and the clerk asks him for ID. Tiger tells the clerk he doesn't have any, but can't she tell he's Tiger Woods? The clerk says sure but I have to have some definite proof. So Tiger goes out to his car, grabs a pitching wedge, and brings it into this store. Tiger precedes to hit a ball 20 feet into a cup without even knocking it over. Clerk says 'Alright take your alcohol.' Mic…

Topical Jokes for 10/11 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Nielsen has announced that a technical error led to months of incorrect ratings. Employees at Nielsen suspected there was a glitch when an infomercial for adult diapers nabbed 84 billion viewers. There was an Ebola scare on a USAirways flight after a man sneezed and joked that he'd just come from Africa. But don't worry, doctors examined the man, and he tested negative for a sense of humor. TSA agents …

Tough shit Amigo! A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. ""Good man,"" the fairy said, ""I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."" The man told the fairy, ""Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."" The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PI…

A guy walks in to a restroom..... and sees president Obama and president Putin at the urinal talking. The guy: what are you talking about? Obama: How we are going to start world war 3. Putin: Our idea is that we kill 50.000 Ukrainians and an it-consultant. The guy: why an it-consultant? Putin says to Obama. Ha, told you no one would care about the Ukrainians!