Police Jokes

A two person plane crashes into a cemetery. Police have released a statement saying that its the worse tragedy they have seen in years. So far they have found over 600 dead with fears of the number increasing as digging continues in the morning.

Stop Sign A man gets pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign. The officer says ""you didn't stop at that stop sign."" The man replies ""oh come on, I slowed down to almost a stop."" The officer looks at the man and says ""please step out of the vehicle sir."" The man obliges, and at this point the police officer starts to beat him with a baton and says ""now do you want me to stop, or do you want me to slow down?""

All the toilets in New York's police stations have mysteriously vanished. Now the police have nothing to go on.

A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn... The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, ""So, how did you get the wooden leg?"" The pirate replies, ""We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit my leg off."" ""Man, that sucks,"" the officer remarked, ""but why do you have a hook for a hand?"" ""It was sliced off by an enemy sw…

bowling balls A truck driver was hauling bowling balls through Alabama one day when he approached 2 little black boys that were walking along side of the road with their bike which had a broken chain. The truck driver pulled up to them and asked if they need a lift. They of course said yes. The truck driver said that they would have to ride in the back with the load he was hauling. So he helped the boys up and threw their bike in, and shut the door. As he was driving along a cop pulled him over.…

I will be doing some themed jokes from now on. Theme 1: Business A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, ""What do you have for collateral? "" The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, ""I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this. "" He goes into Mr. Larson's office and …

A guy gets pulled over on the highway going 90mph in a 55mph zone... Deputy walks up to the window and says to the guy ""I clocked you at 90mph in a 55mph zone, can I see your drivers license""? ""Don't got it"" says the guy. Deputy then asks for his insurance card to which the guy replies ""I think I saw one next to the gun in the glove box"". Deputy says ""Why do you have a gun in the glove box""? ""How else was I supposed tie up a woman, throw her in the trunk, and steal her car?"" says the g…

Kim Kardashin flour bombing incident Police called off the search for the person who flower bombed Kim Kardashin. They learned it was just Lindsey Lohan sneezing

Oh Shit, Not again. A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hangin out. A policeman approaches her & says ""Ma'am are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"" She says ""why officer?"" ""Because your breast is hanging out"" he says, She looks down and says "" OH MY GOODNESS, I left the baby on the bus AGAIN!!.

My wife's been missing for two weeks and the police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Goodwill and got her clothes back.

True story from Brimfield Ohio; Brimfield Police Department Conversations with a meth cook.... Suspect: ""I didn't mean to make meth."" Chief: ""You didn't mean to make it?"" Suspect: ""No. I was just trying to make smoke."" Chief: {Dumb look} Suspect: ""I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."" Chief: ""Okay....You were trying to scare someone by making smoke?"" Suspect: ""Yes Sir. I was trying to scare the Mexicans."" Chief: ""But you ended up with meth."" Suspect: ""Yes, I …

The Arrogance of Authority [Source](https://plus.google.com/u/0/108059114686877527512/posts/h4y17P9yTXq) A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "" Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear…

Artichokes Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A ""friend of a friend"" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of ""Artie."" Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, …

Did you hear about the circus fire in your area recently? Police reports state that it was intense. One of my favorite jokes for a long time; great if asked seriously to people you know. Bonus Balloons! http://imgur.com/DLxru

Oh no... A man in uniform pulled me over and said, ""Sir can you get out the car please."" I complied and he put handcuffs on me then pushed me onto the bonnet. ""Can you please tell me what I've done officer?""I asked. ""Oh I'm not an officer."" he said, unbuckling his belt.

A DEA agent and a rancher A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ""Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. ""See…

Blonde Joke A blonde is speeding on the road and a cop pulls her over. He walks over and asks for her license and registration. She pulls out all her papers and gives them to the cop. He checks her name on the scanner, she comes up with a flawless record(no tickets), yet she has been pulled over tons of times. He then radios in back to the police station and asks what's up with this girl. The man calls back and says, ""Oh her, yeah just walk over to her car and pull down your pants."" The confus…

So this blonde cop pulls over this lady... So one day this blonde chick is driving down the interstate when a cop pulls her over. The man walks towards the driver door, as the blonde girl rolls down the window. She says, ""Hello officer, what can I help you with today?"" The cop looks at her and says, ""Ma'am I'm going to need to see your driver's license."" The woman looks at him and says, ""What is a driver's license?"" He says, ""It's the little rectangle thing that has your picture on it."" …

A German lands in Paris... Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him: -Occupation? -Oh, no no, just visiting!

A panda walks into a bar... A panda walks into a bar has dinner shoots the waiter and walks out of the bar. When the police walk up to him they ask him why he did, he replies ""if you look in the encyclopedia that's what says. He eats, chutes and leaves.""

The Speeding Ticket A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. ""Is there a problem Officer?"" The policeman says, ""Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"" The driver responds, ""I'd give it to you but I don't have one."" ""You don't have one?"" The man responds, ""I lost it four times for drunk driving."" The policeman is shocked. ""I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"" ""I'm sorry, I can't do that."" The policema…

The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from…

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison... (I don't know why my friends like this one so much, feel free to tell them it's awful and confirm my opinion.) A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escape the women's prison late one night. With the police hot on their heels, they decide to hide in an abandoned factory. Splitting up, they all take their various hiding places in the factory just as the police kick down the door. The police begin to search, and they hear a noise comin…

A teenager gets pulled over for speeding... The cop says ""License and Registration please."" As the teenager is grabbing it out of the glove compartment, the cop then says, ""Ya know, I've been waiting for a stupid kid like you all day."" The teenager says, ""Well officer, I got here as quick as I could.""

Dumping garbage The Sheriff pulled up next to a guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up truck into a ditch. The Sheriff asks, ""Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"" ""Yep,"" he replied. ""That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'FINE FOR DUMPING GARBAGE.'""