Police Jokes

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going? ME: Jealous much?

COP: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "It was way easier than solving a murder?"

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They're tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

[interview] Your resume says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"

I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

listen, officer - t h e o r e t i c a l l y - would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

A little boy... Nfw'ish So a little boy ran past a cop screaming bloody murder so the cop grabs him by the arm and settles him down. Holding onto his shoulders he look in the boys tear stained eyes and asks ""son what happened?"" The boy snivels up a snot bubble and answers the cop ""Well officer you see my mom always told me to never look at women more beautiful then her or else i would be turned to stone like medusa"" The cop puzzled asks ""ok but why were you screaming?"" The replies ""well i…

A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says... Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour? Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, ""Dammit, now I'm lost!""

Detective Chen Lee A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall o…

An old couple go shopping... ... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims ""that's ridiculous!"" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse. After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime…

3 old lady's are driving in the car. Two in the back and one driving. The lady driving notices that there is a cop with sirens on trying to pull them over. So they pull to the side of the road. As the officer approaches them he doesn't look surprised. The officer says to the women driving. Mam do you know how fast you were going there? She says yes I was going 15 mile per hour. The officer shakes his head and told the lady no mam I think you are looking at the freeway sign that says ""highway 15…

He did it again! Cop: ""What's in the bottle?"" Me: ""It's water."" Cop: ""This is wine."" Me: ""What? That damn Jesus! He did it again!""

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley and the rising river begins to threaten homes, including that of a local preacher. When water floods into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, ""Let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."" The preacher replies, ""No, thank you, I am a righteous man who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."" Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the p…

A man is driving down the road... When he comes to a stop sign. But he doesn't see anyone around, so he just slows down. However, a police officer was watching the intersection and pulls the man over. The cop says ""Sir, why didn't you stop at the stop sign?"" The man says ""Well there was no one around so I just slowed down."" To which the cop replies ""Sir, it's a stop sign. You have to stop"" ""Well I slowed down! what's the difference?"" The cop says ""Sir, get out of the car,"" and the cop …

Knock knock Who's there? Police. Your wife has been involved in a terrible car accident.

The Wire Brush An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, ""What's your affliction, private?"" Standing at attention, ""Venereal warts, SIR!"" He then asks, ""And what treatment are you getting?"" ""Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"" Finally he asks, ""And what's your ambition, soldier?"" ""To get back to the frontline, SIR!"" He goes up to the…

Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the highway... and this cop pulls him over. The cop says, ""Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?"" Heisenberg replies, ""No, but I know exactly where I am!""

Father O'Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over ... Father O'Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over. ""What have you been drinking?"" asked the cop. ""Only water,"" replied the priest. ""Then what's that next to you?"" said the policeman, pointing to the half-empty bottle of pinot noir in the passenger seat. ""Good Lord!"" said Father O'Brien. ""He's done it again!"" ^[[source]](http://www.nypost.com/p/news/opinion/opedcolumnists/cheers_e…

Parish priest A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. ""I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told…

how'd he know it was me? so I was on my way to work the other day and on my way there I ran over a pig idk what I should do sick left it and went to work. when I got there they put me on front register. About an hour into my shift a cop comes in and asks is dr.zoobileezoo working today I say yeah that's me he asks did anything strange happen on your way to work today I told him well actually I hit a pig He proceeds to hand me a ticket saying its a fine for 200 for hitting a pig I asked how he kn…

Horrible Accident A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. ""My God!"" the trooper gasped. ""Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"" ""Yes, officer, I'm just fine"" the blonde chirped. ""Well, how in the world did this happen?"" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. ""Officer, it …

The old woman and the highway A cop is driving down the highway one night when he passes a rickety sedan going 25 mph (about 40 km/h). He pulls the car over and asks the driver, a sweet little old woman, ""Ma'am, why weren't you doing the speed limit?"" The lady replies, ""But, officer, that sign said '25' and I was only obeying it!"" ""25 is the number of the route,"" the policeman explains patiently. ""The speed limit is 70 (about 115km/h)."" At this point the officer looks around the car for …