Police Jokes

911 what's the emergency? "How do u unburn pizza?" U burnt a pizza "Yes" I'll send a squad car "Ok will they help?" No ur under arrest

"open up, this is the police!" "well, I've felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I'm sad all the time-" "no the door open up the door"

Officer, if I can't stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn't call it the breakdown lane.

If you're in a bar and a newscaster says, "Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene," don't shout, "It was an action figure!"

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It's only fair.

[hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

Cop: where ya headed? "the gym" Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you "thank you so much, officer"

trying to write a mystery novel about a cat detective but I keep getting stumped every time he has to open a door

Cop: You know your license's expired? Me: Didnt even know it was sick. Cop: Haha! Me: HAHA! Cop: Hehe.. Me: Eheh.. Cop: Step out of the car.

Cop: Know why I stopped u? Scientist: No Cop: How much science u do tonite? Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat] Cop: Get out

Cop: [knocks] Dinosaur: can I help you? Cop: we've had reports of small arms fire [Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.

Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

My new boyfriend says the cutest things, like "Who are you?" and "Why are you hiding outside my house?" and "My wife is calling the police."

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

When a cop pulls you over, never start a sentence with, "This may be the alcohol talking, but..." Trust me on this one.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" 75 in a 55. I'm sorry officer. "Get out of the car." *Cop cuddles driver* "Stop doing this. I worry."

Yes officer, I did hit a pedestrian, but instead of dwelling on that why not focus on how many I've missed?

?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?

sir do u know why I pulled u over? "actually yes officer I do, im a psychic. but DO YOU know why you'll beat me with your club in 1 minute"

Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?

ME: my son ran away COP: we won't rest until we find him ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "OH NO THIS COP HAS AMNESIA!!!"

I just heard that someone at my gym drilled a hole in the wall of the girls locker room. Police are looking into it.