Police Jokes

A Mexican guy, an Italian guy, and an American guy are all working on a roof... and they're all getting tired of their lunches... So one day the Mexican guy opens his lunch and he goes ""man, if I get a taco one more time I'm going to jump off this building."" The Italian guy opens his box and says ""Goddammit, if I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to jump off this building,"" and the American guy says the same thing about his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The next day, they all get the…

I just went to see the local police chief give a talk on heroin. I couldn't understand a word he said

So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road..... He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way. A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the truck and asks, ""What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?"" The truck driver thinks for a second and says, ""Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the roa…

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over... Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, ""Step out of the car"" says the cop, ""I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."" ""I can't"", Jim responds ""You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack."" ""Alright,"" says the cop, ""then you're going to have to take a blood test."" ""Can't do that either,"" Jim responds, ""I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding…

Heaven and Hell ""Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians."" Bonus: ""Canada could have had it all. They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture. Instead, they ended up with French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.""

So a man was driving on the highway with a speed limit of 90 .. but then he noticed that all the other drivers were way above the speed limit so our guy thought ""hey everybody's speeding, i cant get caught"" so he goes above 110. Ten minutes later, a cop pulls him over. Clearly upset, our guy says ""But officer, i wasn't the only one speeding.. there were a bunch of others too.. why did you catch only me?"" Cop says"" Ever gone fishing?"" Guy says yes, Cop- ""ever caught all the fish??""

A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.

A salesman gets lost (a little long) A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, ""Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."" The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to mess with the hole in one of the stables. The farmer goes off to the house, and the Salesman gets ready for bed. A few hours into the night, the salesman starts to …

An order of monks are selling flowers... ...illegally on the lawn of the Playboy Mansion, Hugh Hefner's property. Instead of calling the police, however, Hugh decides to spring into action and stop them himself. After an intense argument, the monks agree to leave peacefully. If it had been anybody else they would have gotten away with it; unfortunately for them, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

An American, a Frenchman and an East German (this joke takes place in 1982) are having a few drinks and discussing what true happiness is. The American says ""For me, true happiness is to work hard all day at a job I love, and then to come home and share dinner with my family."" The Frenchman says ""Oh, you Americans, you're obsessed with work. To me true happiness is a deep discussion with my mistress, after which we make passionate love."" The East German shakes his head and says ""Imagine it …

Two rapists Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: ""We are looking for two rapists."" The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: ""Okay, we're in.""

The Stop Sign A business man was very late for work one day and was driving recklessly. As he pulled up to a STOP sign, he simply slowed down a bit, and then continued at his original pace. A police officer caught him in the act and pulled him over and explained his mistake. ""Come on,"" said the man, ""I slowed down! Whats the difference, anyway?"" The cop replies, ""Please step out of the car, sir."" The man complies and the cop proceeds to beat the shit out of him with his baton and screams a…

On the run A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison and ran into a nearby barn. They all three jumped into burlap sacks to hide when they heard police sirens in the distance. Soon two officers walked into the barn and immediately spotted the three sacks. One officer approached the first sack and kicked it, the redhead barked. ""oh this must be a dog"" said the officer. He kicked the second bag and the brunette meowed. ""oh, this must be a cat"" said the officer. He kicked the thir…

Three girls are trying to escape the police. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead when they finally think they're in the clear. Relieved, they stop at the shops. The brunette goes to the pet store and buys a cat, and the redhead buys a dog, while the blonde goes to the supermarket next door and buys a sack of potatoes. They return to their car, and the police have resumed chase. They pull over and the brunette says, ''I know! If we make the noise of the animal we bought they might not catch us!'' …

Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.

My philosophy joke: Plato gets pulled over for speeding. He rolls down the window for the cop; the cop, eyeing Plato's toga, assumes he's dealing with a delinquent frat boy. ""You thought you'd get away doing 90 in a 65? What do you take me for, a fool?"" Plato looks up: ""Of course notclearly I'm the fool, officer."" So the cop makes him walk the divided line.

man tired of his wife Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed. A ""friend of a friend"" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of ""Artie."" Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash o…

So there is a rookie cop out on his first day on patrol... He is partnered with a veteran cop to show him the ropes. They pull over a blond for speeding. The veteran cop says ""I want you to go up to the window and undo your fly."" ""Why would I do that?!"" exclaims the rookie. ""Just trust me, do it."" assures the veteran. So the rookie cop walks up to the blonds car window, and as she rolls it down he undoes his zipper. She looks up at him with a shocked face and says ""OH NO! Not another brea…

Driving Home Drunk An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ""So,"" says the cop to the driver, ""where have ya been?"" ""Why, I've been to the pub of course,"" slurs the drunk. ""Well,"" says the cop, ""it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."" ""I did all right,"" the drunk says with a smile. ""Did you know,"" says the cop, standing straight an…

A woman in Wisconsin gets gypped by a dealer, so she calls the police saying that she was guaranteed only the ""highest quality shit."" The police offer pauses for just a moment and says, ""I am APPALLED that he would do such a thing! Take me to him right now!""

A trucker was hauling a load of bowling balls across the South. As he's cruising down the highway in Alabama, he passes two black boys traveling down the road on a bike. He ignores them and continues down the road a bit before stopping at a diner to eat some delicious chicken-fried steak. After he's finished eating, it begins to rain, and he continues back out on the road. After a few minutes it really begins to pour down. He passes the same two black boys on their bicycle, who are completely so…

Lover's Lane A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat. The cop asks the guy, ""What are you doing up here?"" ""I'm reading a book sir."" ""Uh-huh. And what's she doing?"" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat. ""Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."" With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, ""In the 13 years I've b…

So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt.. tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, "" So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?"" To a reply of, "" yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business."" The officer of course is stunned…

A woman gets pulled over by a state trooper... As the Officer walks up to her window and flips open his little book the lady says: ""I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper ball, aren't you?"" The Officer looks at her with a puzzled look on his face and says: ""but ma'am, state troopers don't have balls."" There was a silence, the officer tipped his hat, turned around, got back in his car, and drove away.

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II... He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to. ""I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg,"" says the officer. ""Oh no,"" cries the pilot, ""lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"" The German confers …