Police Jokes

Don't ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don't wanna look suspicious.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout "police emergency" and run away

Truthfully officer, I wouldn't have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

- Police, open the door. - What do you want? - We just wanna talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - Well just talk to each other.

cop: [making list of animals that escaped] zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority" cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening

{Police Job Interview} Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten. Recruit: Why kill a kitten? Captain: You're hired.

Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas

[1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you [segway cop just dying laughing]

[murder scene] Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail SD2- Let's track him down *10 hours later* SD1-Damn that guy is fast

*flashes smile* *smile calls police*

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to "clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!" And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

i couldn't tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Cop - "sir, are you a salamander?" Me - [is 9 inches long. enjoys a mixed diet of earthworms, flies, beetles and vegetation]

If you emphasize the po in police they're probably already after you.

Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.

GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we'll let u go BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs

[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly

Officer: "Do you know why I'm standing here?" Me: "You got all C's in High School?"

Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I'd get pulled over, but I'm kind of afraid to tell you. Let's both say it on 1-2-3, ok?

Cop : HANDS IN THE AIR! Me: *drunk, starts flailing arms* Cop: NO, NOT LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE