Police Jokes

*breaks out of prison *hunted by police for weeks *crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house* Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Police: where were you between 5 and 6? Me: Kindergarten

It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them... The Police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

Oh baby, were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign.

No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

[crime scene] photographer: I'm done unless you want another angle or something. detective: let's do a jumping one!

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I'll be there in 80 days

Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then

[Voice from police helicopter] PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! *raises hands* *takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight* *uploads new avi*

I was throwing banana peels at other cars because I'm out of turtle shells, officer. Duh.

[me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

"OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!" haha, no way losers. I've got things to do. *cop whispering* "what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!"

I keep a picture of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the police ask to see my license for awesome.

Cop: Sir, you can't use hand-held communication devices while driving Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

ME: I think I have a get out of jail free card COP: this is a do 1 jail sentence get the next sentence 50% off & it's for our other location

"sir, can i ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?" "officer, I'm..." *turns to camera* "double jointed" *cop starts breakdancing*

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding. Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.

A cop pulled me over and said 'papers' I said 'scissors' and drove off. I win.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.