Police Jokes

[On phone to police] Has there been a report of a pervert in the park? P: No, there hasn't. Me: oh good. [Goes back to hiding in bushes]

[knocking at the door] VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police! ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A COP Ok, now that there are definitely no cops reading this...I'm trying to find some cocaine for this weekend guys

*gets pulled over* Officer: how high are u Me: no officer, it's hi, how are u

[after i confess to murder] COP: sarge? you gotta see this [shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]

Cop: Sir, can you step outside please? Me: Sir? Awww! You are SO polite! Cop: Excuse me? Me: Now you're just showing off.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.

Police now use an iPhone app that scans irises to ID suspects. It replaces their previous method: scanning for dark skin

Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit* good luck shaking the police off loser *sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it

Cop: Know why I stopped u? "Cuz im going too fast?" Cop: Yes, slow down. "But it's been 6 months-" Cop: U can't move in with her yet.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car... They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby..

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby's head. Sorry babe, I'M NOT A DETECTIVE.

GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!

[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds [suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they're mine [dog cop] Jim he has a point

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad! 1. name 2. address 3. email 4. where are drugs *mustache falls off*

COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u

the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)

I wish my car could put its hands in its pockets and whistle when I drive by a cop.

It's 2035: By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family Murderer: You can't prove anything... Cop: You know, you're actually called "Murderer" in this thing

I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me