Police Jokes

Top Seven Things Men Don't See Coming: 7. Plot twists 6. Police cruiser 5. Love 4. Trash day 3. Health issues 2. Her reaction 1. That

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark? MARK: He's alive so I'm assuming he had a birth, yes.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON'T KNOW BUT WE'RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

My son: do kids that get bullied go to college? Me: no they go to the police academy

[babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding

Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you're no detective.

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

"I'm tired." - Beat Cop

My MILFshakes bring all the police and devastated families to the yard.

How do I know you're not a cop? "If I was a cop, how would I have this?" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good

Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.

"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we're in public.

Detective: Where were you on the night- Me: Twitter Detective: Between the hour- Me: Twitter Detective: I wasn't fini- Me: Twitter

COP: You're allowed 1 phone call ME: I'm gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that

[shootout] Cop: I said fire a warning shot Me: I already did. Cop: you shot him in the face Me: warning the others that I'm a very good shot

[murder scene] detective: "she drown?" cop: "after a blow to the head" d: "what's he doing?" me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"

Good cop: *sits* Bad cop: *pees on the floor* Wait, I'm thinking of dogs