Police Jokes

When a cop pulls you over and asks, "Papers?" answer "Scissors." then drive away..

You've been robbed by *360 spin* A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

If a cop tazed me and then yelled "Raiden Wins!"... I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

when a cop pulls me over i tell him i'm a nihilist and i don't believe in tickets or laws or authority. i do however now believe in tazers.

officer: give me your name me: then what am I going to use?

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

A cop that contemplates his existence: Philofficer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me:I'm cute? Cop: Nope Me: you like my car? Cop: Nope Me: I could do this all day.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

GOOD COP: cover me! DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

Officer- I'm giving you a ticket for your speed Me- That's heroin Officer-... Me- Want some? Officer-... Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let's check upsta-- GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

*grammar police reads ransom note* "Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead" *grammar cop dies* "Damn, he had 2 days until retirement"

'It's ok, I'm from the internet', I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

"I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy" is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

[1st day as undercover cop] *approaches drugdealer* Me: "Yes hello I'd like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!" *gets stabbed*

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him* me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch *TSA guns me down*

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

Officer: You drinking? Me: You buying? Oh how we laughed and laughed.... PS: I need bail money.

So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

If you say "NO YOURE UNDER ARREST" the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops* Sketch Artist: *draws my cat* Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*