Police Jokes

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Hide all that weed because police lights are too.

[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Off duty cop: No *cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro* You're driving great, pal

I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Probably the worst time to ask "shouldn't we go on a date first?" is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won't eat ur way out of these CROOK: Sure

Me: I'd like to report a disturbance. Police Dispatcher: Okay, where sir? Me: In the force, I can feel it.

[catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...

I was relieved when the cop gave me a ticket for driving without headlights. I thought I was going blind.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Doesn't count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights! "Your what?" You know, my... [mumbles] banana rights.

[morgue] mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen cop: the robber yelled "everyone be cool" so he tried to do a kickflip

When a cop tells you to "spread 'em" he is not flirting. I know this now.

This cop is driving so fast it's like he's trying to keep up with me

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please Arresting officer: no

cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov

A cop stopped me & asked "do you know why I followed you" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in jail.

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

Cop: "You been drinkin?" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny "You're free to go.." Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?

me: How many calls do I get? cop: one me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

Umm, no officer. I'm pretty sure that bag of weed fell out of YOUR pocket.