Police Jokes

I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.

Americans: Muslims are so violent Me: ok but police co- Americans: shut up. Don't judge a group of people based off a select few.

[running from cop] *cop catches me* "Get on the ground or I'll taze ya" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* "Look they were all out of tazers"

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don't take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

[police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"

*cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you

Who just rang my doorbell? Its either: 1. A murderer 2. The police 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

[Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*

Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: ... Cop: Painted blue? Me: ... Cop: With nails glued on? Me: ... Cop: Mario Kart's not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs." "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs"

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

BAD COP: Throw the book at him. GOODREADS COP: OK! Check out Ruby, the beautiful and devastating debut novel by Cynthia Bond. 12

[police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a grey Me: ... My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping? Cop2: should we go help? Cop1: No it's ok he woke up. This fall on CBS "Good Cop, Dad Cop"

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation* *good cop is nice to the suspect* *bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free* man he's a bad cop

Make a friend today. Give a complete stranger a big, long hug. If they happen to get mad, tell the police a guy on twitter said you could.

If I ran the world, I would enforce a police state where everyone would have to weigh-in before being allowed to order food.

If your drug dealer is on time, it's a cop.

Cop:alright now repeat after me Me:repeat after me C:no not yet M:no not yet C:stop M:stop C:put your hands in the air M:put your h..

lets play cops & robbers! ok! i'll be robber! i'll be cop! *robber hides* *cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*