Police Jokes

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.

"Oh shit I murdered someone" "You should turn yourself into the police" "Great idea!" *puts on badge and hat* "Looks like a suicide to me"

I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"

Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.

Good cop: You have the right to remain silent Girlfriend cop: What's wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Are you mad? I hate when you're lik

Barbie's head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a "giant child" did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Cop: your under arrest Me: you're* under arrest 2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he's right

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Lois Lane would probably be terrible at picking out the right suspect in a Police lineup.

[talking to son on the phone] "I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police" I'm sorry. We've been very busy with the holidays and all.

[getting pulled over] Me: R u a bear cop? Bear cop: Is that a problem? Me: As long as you're not a maul cop *mauls me for bad pun*

*Rolls window down* Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: is it because I'm literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

Cop: What is your line of business? Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.

If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."

Superman: I got this Batman: I'll help S: Look, you just slow me down B: I'm a detective S: ... B: I have batarangs S: Do you hear yourself?

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me [glides on] Not much I can do

TRUTH: cop teaches class on drug awareness "honestly guys... pot isn't bad for you" *class gives standing ovation* *cop starts breakdancing*

No officer I didn't mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

COP: can anybody else describe the suspect? JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees COP: anybody

Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.