Police Jokes

878 dead bodies lay there. Liam Nesson "Are we done?" Police: "Sure, I don't see any reason why we should arrest you."

GOOD COP: I hate crime! BAD COP: I lost my gun. BRAD COP: Check out my abs.

[traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?

Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. "Wrong house guys." ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? "Yup, happens a lot." OKAY COOL, SORRY.

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed. -every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat

[interrogation] COP: So you play the tuba do ya? "No, the violin" COP: Treble maker eh?

good cop bag cop. the first cop is super nice. the second is an Adidas sports bag. no suspect has been charged ever.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ? Me ~ Uhhh .... Roughly about the same as you Cop ~ Get out

[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!

"911, please help im dying" Good cop: help is on the way Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

[homocide scene] DETECTIVE:"my god, in my 25 years on the force i've never seen a dead ghost." COP:"sir?, we covered the body with a sheet."

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring .... he's a cop.

Newsreader: Police are asking anyone with any information- Me: [shouting at TV] You lose 90% of your heat from your head

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go.

Dessert police! Open up! *breaks down door* Freeze! Cake it easy man, I'm Pudding you in Custardy! "Ugh, well isn't this just Flantastic."

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs. Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy