Police Jokes

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

*cop bursts into bathroom* "KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!" *toilet is wearing shades* "damn. we're too late" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*

I'm following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Just passed a cop on a bicycle, I hope I used my turn signal properly or I might get a detention or whatever they hand out

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

COP: Know why I stopped you? MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh? COP: You're using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my tires look like donuts? Cop: Get out

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It's all legal.

Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer.

Police on bikes arresting someone: "You're under arrest. Get in the basket"

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

It's not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

[crime scene] detective flips open pocket watch Hmmm...precisely what I thought "What's that sir" closes watch It's lunch time

*in the back of a police car* can ya'll hand me the aux cord?

CRIME SCENE me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires british officer: what about that bloody fork me: this is no time to eat sir

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail Me: let's take my car

[Interrogation room] Good cop: "Confess and we will go easy on you" Sweet tooth cop: "You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!" *runs outside*

[highspeed chase] ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they're getting away *turns on Siren* [several nearby ships are lured to their doom]