Police Jokes

Goddammit, my parole officer says none of my RTs count towards community service. This has been a huge waste of time.

License and registration please. "Bears." Excuse me? "Beaaaaars." Are you drunk sir? "BEAAAARS!" Stop saying bea- *cop is mauled by bears*

Cop; Know why I pulled you over? Me; Because you got beat up in high school Cop;....... Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

[date] Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are. Him: That's a cop. Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer

[police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps

Cop- Do you have any drugs in the vehicle? -No, go fish.

COP: There's been a murder BATMAN: I won't rest until I avenge them C: It's outside of Gotham B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

[pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I'm missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!! Me: Not with that attitude.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Don't worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

Good cop: Just relax Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don't you call anymore? You're going to jail

I have a bumper sticker that says COP KISSER explicitly to make it awkward when a police officer asks if I know why they pulled me over.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag. *suspect puts face in hands* Detective Baby: HE'S ESCAPED

Local News. A couple turned themselves into police. Wonder what they were before.

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won't know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

*looks under bed* *checks closet* *shuts light, runs to bed* *pulls covers over head* *ice maker dumps ice* *dies from cardiac arrest*

[baby takes its first steps] me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you're going away for a long long time.

"sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign