Police Jokes

What's the downside of house arrest?

Cop: First name please... "Frida" Cop: Last name... "Gomam" Cop: You're Frida Gomam? *peels out* Cop: Nice, nice

[DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff

Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

*knock knock* "Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately" "But I'm having a poo" "We know sir, the phone box has glass sides"

Cop: know y I pulled u over? Wife: to invite me to the state trooper's ball? Cop: state troopers don't have balls Me: BAHAHA Cop: drive safe

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls [At Police Station] "You can make one phone call" *Dials random # "Is your fridge running?"

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

"Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

*Crime Scene Cop: (cuffs the dog) Detective: what the hell are you doing? Cop: Sir, I think we're dealing with a shapeshifter

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

I am not "aware" of any "laws" that "forbid" the use of excessive "air quotes" officer "Barnes."

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

COP: So what happened? ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road COP: Can you describe it? ME: It's like a big path that cars drive on

I'm a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off And that's when I realized it was a cop car

"Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!"

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun* Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

[break-in] BURGLAR: [cracks safe] COP: Not so fast, kiddo BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm riding a Big Wheel on the freeway? Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

This is bullshit. I surrender my keys after 8 tequila shots and this cop is all, "Ma'am, you can't walk down Main Street in your underwear."

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET? Cop: Sir, you're still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you're going to jail Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]