Police Jokes

WIFE: You overreact to everything! ME: [phones police]

Me: smells like upyou'refreetogo in here. Cop: what's upyou'refreetogo? Me: *finger guns* catch ya later Cop: aww damn lol got me again

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

*petting a dog* So how long have you been blind, officer? *gets arrested*

*Police bust through door* -QUICK FLUSH ALL THE SUGAR -WAIT, WHY!? -I DON'T KNOW, THEY DO IT IN THE MOVIES!

[knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia

*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*

Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum

Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun COP: Was it a revolver? ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

When dealing with the police it's important to always remain calm and be white.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

"Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm black?? Cop: Sir, you're white, driving 90 in a 30. Me: Racist. Cop: Get out.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second...

I'm a good driver until there is a cop behind me Then I become a paranoid weed transporter from the border

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

[pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha

Her: I'll sleep with you when pigs fly Me: points to police helicopter*

GOOD COP: He won't talk except in sign language BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma'am? Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE "What do you want?" YOU'RE UNDER ARRES- "No." ..NO?? "No, I don't want to be." *whispers* Shit now what