Police Jokes

As soon as you see the cop approaching, throw the bag of weed in his hands and do a citizen's arrest.

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me: I didn't do... Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody Me: These are my regular clothes

sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i'm not a real cop but no one told me i'm pretty today

Cop: i told you this land is off limits Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits Cop: wtf are flimits Me: idk let's go look Cop: ok

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Don't worry, officer, this isn't my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

You're a loose cannon, Detective. Hand in your badge. AND your gun. AND your badge that is actually a gun. AND your gun that shoots badges.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

Good cop: u want a drink? Good cop 2: I love your shirt Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?...No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

Boy, is my face red! Fingering a suspect means something totally different at the police station, you guys.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."

*cop slams bag of weed down on table* "EXPLAIN." "its not mine officer i swea- "oh quit the crap Bulbasaur we know you're the grass type"

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal. ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave? COP:...and for this weed ME: That's Dave's

Technically, a bus driver is anyone who drives a bus, Officer.

Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I'm running late to a concert and I'm the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Cop: Know why I stopped you? "You heard the song I was playing?" Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM "ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

Rookie cop: "But sir, why would man's laughter be a crime?" Chief: "ffs kid, it's one word. Manslaughter."

Cop: Ma'am, what's in the bottle? Me: Just some water. Cop: Ma'am that's wine... Me: Jesus did it again!!

"You a cop?" UNDERCOVER COP: No. "So you wouldn't mind if I ... threw these donuts away?" UC: *sweats profusely*

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said "You're not hot!" Actually it was a cop &he said "Here's your ticket. Have a nice evening."