Police Jokes

If I were a homeless guy, I'd walk up behind young women, put my arm around them & cop a feel on a boob because I have nothing to lose.

Welcome to drugs club, Todd. I can't believe someone actually answered the ad. You're under arrest.

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

"This looks like an open and shut case!" a police detective buying luggage.

*cop sees chalk outline on family's driveway* "Damn, a cute bunny was murdered" "No, the kids who live here drew that, the body's over here"

A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!

COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

"OPEN THE DOOR IT'S THE POLICE" who is it? "POLICE" what is a police *cops start whispering* "how does he not know what a police is"

Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

"This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see 'em!" "But I can't-" "Now!" *t-rex panics*

<gets pulled over> Officer- What's making all that noise in your trunk? Me- My feelings. I'm trying to dispose of them properly.

Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host] your word is policy "can you use it in a sentence" um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

In RL I'm a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police

According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.

[gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

[Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.

[1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"

*cop pulls me over* "Sir do you-" You a cop? You have to tell me if you're a cop "What?" You seem cool. Wanna buy some weed? *pause* "Yes"

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn't have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.