Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

A man is plotting to kill his wife He hears about a hitman named Artie who will kill people for cheap. He decides to call this hitman and explain the situation. ""My wife is cheating on me and I want her dead. Kill her boyfriend if he's there too."" They meet up for the pay. Artie says ""Alright, I will do 1 dollar a person, so 2 dollars."" ""Whoa whoa, hold up a moment!"" The man says. ""What if her boyfriend isn't there?"" Artie thinks or a minute and says ""Alright, pay 1 dollar right now. If…

POISON A man goes to his priest and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him. The priest says, ""Now, John, how do you know that?"" John says, ""Well, I have terrible headaches. My stomach is upset. I have no stamina and my legs are weak. My vision is blurry and I have lost my appetite. A month ago I was in perfect health."" The priest asks John if he has gone to the police. ""Yes, I have, and they just laughed at me. Would you just talk to her and see if you can pick up on something that…

This was my grandma's favorite joke A man lives alone in his apartment. He never married, doesn't stay in touch with his family, and generally keeps to himself. One day while at home watching TV, his phone rings and he answers it. A deep, slow voice says to him ""the viper is coming..."", and then hangs up before the man has any chance to respond. He thinks it was pretty strange, but he figures it must just be some kids playing a bad prank or something. Half an hour later, his phone rings again.…