Police Jokes

On the list of things I've learned today: 1. You're not allowed to walk a police dog 2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Captain: You're suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop.

"What's this ticket, officer?" - Loitering "I didn't drop trash" - No. Loitering. "You talk funny" - It's not- "I'm putting this on Twoiter"

[me on a ledge] COP: (through megaphone) WE'VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP! *Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

"Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?" [MITCH enters] MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I'm real good at crimes! "No" Why? "YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE"

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

THIS IS THE COPS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE NWA'S "FU*CK THE POLICE" ON REPEAT IN THERE. COME OUT & SAY SORRY TO OFFICER DAVIS. YOU MADE HIM CRY DUDE

[police interrogation room] Officer: you've been identified as the runner who.. Me: Let me stop you right there.

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park COP: no ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol COP: I'm not

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

I love killing for fun "Sociopath! Arrest him!" I mean I love hunting "Why didn't you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?"

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.

Cop: What's the hurry? Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people "the last thing the police need is spectators"

Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

CRIMINAL: You can't arrest me if you can't see me. BABY COP: God damn, I wish I understood the concept of object permanence.

*puts down window Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Yes *puts up window and drives away

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch? Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

[crime show] DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been.. *Flintstones theme song plays* Murdered