Police Jokes

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was? [flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills] Me: Easily 10

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we'll let you go Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Wife: I told you to slow down. Cop: License & registration, please. Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers? Me: Look underneath them.

*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

[babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" lol wtf "wait its back on again nvm" ok lmao "he just stole my nose" im phoning the police

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

You can tell a lot about a person by what they swallow first when a cop pulls um over.

I love how we vote for sheriff. How the hell should I know? "Let me talk to a few criminals and see who they think is scariest."

Officer: We're building the Death Star as fast as we can. Vader: I have new ways to motivate you. *implements margarita Tuesdays*

*Gets pulled over by cop* "Papers?" "Scissors" *Cop removes glasses* "Rocks?" *Both start successful trap house*

Cop: Freeze! Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden's bottomless pasta bowl* Rookie: We gotta go after him! Cop: No. He's gone.

*cop pulls me over* Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight? Me:What makes you think I've been drinking? *cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

COP: do you know why I pulled you over ME: knock knock COP: who's there ME: do you know why I pulled you over COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Shout out to that old cop in movies, talkin' 'bout how soon he's gonna retire & go sailing with his wife. Dude is about to get BLOWED UP!

Ugh this morning this cop was all "what's with the fake mustache" & "you can't throw turtle shells out of your vehicle" & "who's Yoshi"

No thanks officer. I don't even give strange men my phone number, and you're asking for my license and registration.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect "He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist" {pencil stops moving} "And he was crying"

POLICE: knock knock DRUG DEALER: who's there P: weed DD: weed who P: we'd like to come in and arrest you DD: lol good one, come on in

"Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner" "Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?" [long silence] [hears faint sirens in the distance]