Police Jokes

When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

When there's a police car behind you with their lights flashing... It means speed up, right?

*gets pulled over* Do you know how fast you were going? *pulls string* *inflates emergency mustache* Oh sorry officer. You're free to go.

Cop at the gym just puked when he saw me do squat-thrusts. Said he hadn't seen anything that hateful or violent since the LA riots.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that "it's not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That's just creepy."

Cop: Lemme see your papers Me: Okay Cop: These are rolling papers Me: Would you look at that Cop: Sir are you high? Me: What are you, a cop?

It's fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you're sleeping & know when you're awake it's "creepy" and "sir, you're under arrest"

Cop said that it's illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car. I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: "do you know y i pulled u over?" Me: "because Batman is catching all the criminals"

If I was a detective, my main suspect would always be the person who returns to the scene of the crime AND is eating a Klondike bar.

Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

[Crime scene] Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was *takes off sunglasses* D: blunt force trauma

"haha this costume party is great" "sir PLEASE get off the table" "cool librarian costume" *sprays silly string* "hey dude nice police costu

"do you know why I pulled one over on you?" becau- wait what? "I'm not a real cop lol" haha nice! *pulls gun* "I am taking your car though"

if you ask an undercover cop what the hills are alive with, he legally has to say "the sound of music" or else it's von trappment

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower. Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I put my pants on like everyone else... As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says "Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy"* *undercover cop's fake mustache falls off*

Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!

Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was "pulling me over" You need a ride! Duh

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5'9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

Just wondering why Bob Marley denied shooting the deputy but thought admitting he shot the sheriff would be a-okay.

Officer there's nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]