Police Jokes

Off to the DMV. Time for new license pic. Gonna be really drunk for it. If i ever get pulled over the cop will think i always look like that

Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.

[police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."

Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes

*running from cops* Me: hey wait hold up if we're gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit Cop: yeah me too good idea

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn't even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Who's got two thumbs and might be doing this police lineup wrong?

[first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, OR AS IT'S KNOWN AS IN ARIZONA, "CINCO DE WHAT-O? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST-O, PACO"

Me: hello, police? I think I'm living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body... Crap! She just came in. Cat: *meow*

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind

I didn't want the cop to see that my car's registration tags weren't current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too

[2 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective: Curiosity killed them but how...*dies* ~later~ [3 dead cats on ground] Cat Detective II: How di...*dies*

Cop: Know why I stopped you? Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT? *tosses donut out window* Cop: ... Me: Aren't you gonna go get- Cop: Get out.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight me: define sir

The detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

I place my finger on the police officer's lips. "Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you."

Just go ahead and arrest the psychopaths who still have egg avatars.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

[Police sketch artist job interview] "How am I not qualified?" Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"

There's a serial killer in our house! Normal people: "CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!" - In movies: "Lets go find him" -___-