Police Jokes

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.

"Okay, but do you know HOW I pulled you over?" -Cop's desperate attempt to show off

"Got any drugs or alcohol on you?" "yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer"

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water

I wish this cop would stop riding my ass, it makes me paranoid. I also wish he'd turn his sirens off and stop trying to shoot out my tires.

"DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

[identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says "everyone be cool! Act normal!" Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

*Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*

[Drug Deal] How do I know ur not a cop? "If I was a cop would I do this?" *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is

[first day as a coroner] me: he died at 11:42AM detective: are you positive me: it's hard with all this death but i'm hanging in there

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

Ian: "I'd like to report my guide dog missing." Cop: "Right. When did you last see him?" Ian: "I've never seen him."

[looks up at arresting officer] are you mad at me

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

COP: don't worry sir, we'll find your kids as soon as we can. ME: no hurry.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE? "Haha a man obviously" *Detective places cheese on table* *suspect starts to sweat*

If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.

Police: Cover me Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

We play cop games because my boyfriend likes to "discharge his weapon."

Bet they weed out lots of people at big city detective school in the jump off building/land on roof of another building class.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet. Me: I WASNT READY