Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.

Cop: Have you been drinking? Me: *sips beer Cop: That was stupid. Me: So was your question.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I'M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.