Police Jokes

Our daughter ran away from home once when she was a teenager. We were frantic. Within months, we called the police to report her missing.

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That's a hand print

Cop: license and registration. Me: I don't carry my drivers license so I don't lose it. Cop: where is it? Me: I have absolutely no idea.

The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.

'Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you're dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

[at the shooting range] Recruit: Sir, I missed every target. Officer: Perfect. *makes him a stormtrooper*

[Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Areare you over 21?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I'm behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.

I can't stand fake people. Unless you're with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop. Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

[rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* "yo you a cop" um no "hmm ok what you want" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.

CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them

Well Officer..we didn't have a bottle so that dead guy over there.. "Him?" No the other dead guy..suggested "Spin The .44"..And I WON!

cop: why'd you kill him? me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers cop: ugh hate that you're free to go

Cop: Know why I stopped u? Cuz u JUST CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE? Cop: I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR For speeding.

Conservatives after a mass shooting: "You can't take our guns!" Conservatives after a police shooting: "But he had a gun!" I'm confused.

[airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Good cop: frisks you Bad cop: takes his time