My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."