My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."

If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.

Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.