My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."

Silly Drunks. A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car. ""They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!"" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice on the line. ""Nevermind,"" he said with a hiccup. ""I got in the back seat by mistake.""