My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole

Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."