The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.

COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I keep a picture of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the police ask to see my license for awesome.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.