Police Jokes

[Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be 'Officer! That's him over there'... It gave me my sprinter's physique.

I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer."

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma'am please get out of the car

'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'

Cop: You were speeding so I'm going to be giving you a ticket Me: Ooh, could I win something Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now

whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types "job openings" into google]

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I'll start here and you- Dog cop: I'll mark our territory [dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant] Cop: You're under arrest. Me: What's the charge? [Lowers sunglasses] Cop: a salt and buttery.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

[police station] "sir you get one phone call." [calls 911] "hello 911 what's your emergency?" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Maybe if wommen's uteroids weren't such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn't have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?

COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: *struggles to roll down window* "Sorry this isn't my car."

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book Sargent: You arrested her? C: No S: Why? C: She's not done with the book

[police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

when the news anchor says "if you know anything about the crime please contact police" dont call the police and re-tell the news story

"why aren't you in school?" "i'm too cool for school, officer." *checks cop computer* "checks out, youre free to go." kid is undercover nerd

[At Mall] Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE! Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*

Police always seem disappointed when they realise those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old chocolate wrappers not drugs.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you're not required to keep it forever, like they can't arrest you if u throw it out.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s. Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently