Money Jokes

I would like to think money won't change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate

I want my money back, these suppositories taste like shit.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It's just the only way I'm ever gonna effectively lose weight.

In my day cartoons made sense. Chipmunks did all the rescue rangering and a rich duck swam in gold coins like they were water

thank you all for donating to my gofundme to pay for my surgery; I have decided to buy 600 playstations with the money

The crazy thing about insurance is that the best case scenario is you've wasted a bunch of money.

I might not be the "best" father in the world, but I'm also bad with money & know how to beat a polygraph.

Still haven't forgiven my parents for not being rich.

If you're a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

*thinks happy thoughts* *throws pixie dust in your eyes* *flies off with all your money*

*grammar police reads ransom note* "Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead" *grammar cop dies* "Damn, he had 2 days until retirement"

Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don't see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Believing that you are popular or "famous" on twitter... ...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

You're not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU'RE RICH

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don't do nuthin dumb Me: That's a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English - hey, come back

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.

"Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."

Get rich or die of poverty-related causes

Hey guys, remember that one time, when Clinton was president and gas was a like a $1 a gallon and people had money and jobs and shit?