Money Jokes

Don't get why guys complain about "sleeping on the couch" I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Two-thirds of America's Funniest Home Video winners spent their prize money on heroin.

"What should we put in the middle of this mall?" How bout some chairs? "That idea sucks" A little pond to throw money in? "Oh hell yeah"

Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math.

The first thing I'm going to do when I'm rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Can me and you go out sometime? "No, your grammar is too poor" Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!

DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

"I'm $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain

[on quiz show] "and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex

Mom: Sorry, I won't be able to come in today. My son's got stuck in the washing machine. Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he? Mom: 27

[a person with cold hands] DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE [a dog with cold paws] POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Me: Oh yeah, baby. Tie me up and put a blindfold on me...Grrrr. Him: Erm...I'm only here to rob the bank...and I have a boyfriend.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added "and looking".

whoever thinks money doesn't bring happiness, transfer it to my account.

"Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl" -just to be clear, if I don't tell you she dies but I get to live right?

I bought a metal detector. Beach better have my money.

How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"

Coworker: What was your college major? Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

6 more days, guys.. That's December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!