Money Jokes

"Do what you love & the money will follow." Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear. And now, I wait...

I'm looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me* *everyone claps & cheers* *hands check over to teller* Check is for $1.00

Never borrow money from a zombie: they almost always want to be paid back in brains

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won't you just text him?

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

I was so poor as a kid, we only had Onepac Shakur.

Date me? You can't afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria's Secret, and bail money.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?

*Husband buys me flowers* Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die. Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

On my first day of college my dad's only advice was "don't date any of your teachers!" Yeah right dad, everyone knows teachers are poor.

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)

You're right, sir. It's MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

You send yourself a message through time. "Invest in google" it says. You don't have money in the past either. Nothing Changes

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money "too dirty." He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

So this girl makes her own hummus. We're in different tax brackets I'm guessing.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It's been in my wallet the whole time.

Rules to live by: 1. Be kind to strangers 2. Don't cheat on your taxes 3. Everything in moderation 4. Bury the body at sea

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I've just always had a passion for making people feel bad

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match