Money Jokes

[bum holds his hand out] "can I have some change?" change comes from within "thank u. now I'm not poor anymore"

Me - I'm not in the mood to work today My bank account - you better GET in the mood

I just wanna make a lot of money and not do very much, is that so wrong?

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.

[Bank] COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO ROBBER: Okay, who wants out? ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I'm comfortable.

Me: how much is all the money in the world? Genie: not sure exactly Me: give me a ballpark figure POOOF *I'm now the size of Shea Stadium

Really, there's no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"

My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

"It's very expensive." - Chipotle employee "Look, I got money to spend in here." - Julia Roberts Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act] "Ok all you guys need is a name" *they look around bank for ideas*

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.

[son falls over & hurts himself] ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC WIFE: don't you mean TLC? ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY "All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday" [mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma] IT'S PAYBACK TIME

Wait till the hamburglar finds out about money

Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime. Alfred: You're a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen- Bruce: No I wanna punch people.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry! ME: Don't you mean history? R: Don't change the subject! *Both start laughing

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Pretty woman wouldn't have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.

*takes a sip* this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet. "sir that's windex." yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

Twitter, because I owe people on Facebook money.

Why couldn't I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?