Money Jokes

I have Capri Sun and pudding in my fridge which proves I'm four or poor.

My religious, conservative upbringing taught me that poor people are lazy and the rich are giving. Real life taught me the opposite.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete "can owls fly" before mom sees it

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Million dollar idea: Invest $995,000 in a bank CD.

My wife left me for a fisherman. Poor guy's still reeling.

If you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account.

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I don't understand why I keep getting denied for bank loans because I have good credit & I'm only asking to borrow like four or five banks.

*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun* "THIS IS A STICK UP" *everyone laughs* "GUYS IM SERIOUS" *more laughter* "DAMN IT" *leaves*

[mastercard commercial] "there are some things that money can't buy" politician: i don't get it

"Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?" "Yes" "Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed"

ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them

Currently searching the want ads for a place that will pay a good salary for me to just curl up in a ball and give up.

Isn't it amazing that your wallet is always so close to your ass...but somehow never smells bad?

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

I would put a web cam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

Why is PBS asking me for money? If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.

just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

"I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins." - my 4yo after I explained taxes

I love breakdancing. I don't do it... Or watch it, even. I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It's like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I'd like to.

Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works? Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes