Money Jokes

You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.

When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he's been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I keep a picture of a dragon fighting a helicopter in my wallet, in case the police ask to see my license for awesome.

People ask me what I'm really into these days. I tell them "debt."

I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

I just spent my entire tax return on guacamole.

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

In the summer there's only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

hey girls if you sleep with a guy then tell them you're pregnant they'll give you a bunch of money for an abortion I have like 50 cars

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going? To the bank

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven't had to spend any money. Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

hey teens ! if you think you're angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can't guess how much money I owe my parents.

Air Bud seems like a great movie, until you realize some poor kid was cut from the team to make room on the roster for a golden retriever

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery? Me: No, It is

When you get a 3D printer, don't mess around. Go straight to printing money.

According to my bank account, I'm Rich! Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

I want a coffee so rich and bold it has a cabin in the woods where it hunts humans for sport.