Money Jokes

My weird uncle Dale has a job yelling at cars on the side of the highway. It doesn't pay actual money, but it's cool that he's his own boss.

*showing mom how to use her phone* What's the blue button with the bird? THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!

NOTHING says "I am batshit, incapable of relationships, bad with money & cannot be trusted" like colored contact lenses.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1%

Google Buzz is Facebook's estranged drug-addicted step sister who eloped with a hideously ugly rich guy named Gmail.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy's house and he's really pissed

I've noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn't know you played. I'm looking to trade my Nana card.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Apparently being poor is genetic, my son loves bologna and thinks pants are optional.

Santa loves the rich kids more.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

I'm having a very hard time believing that money can't buy me happiness. Especially since I'm constantly smiling when I have it.

Dear airlines, spend less money making cutesy safety videos and pass those savings on to your customers. Wouldn't that be cool?

The whole "bad boy" thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That's soooo hot

I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.

Is it ok if i touch the paintings i have poor eyesight. also i have to have BBQ sauce on my hands because of religion

I just want to be rich enough to say "that won't be necessary" when the police go to handcuff me

Sleep with too many rich people and you can get Herpes

For tax purposes, my carpe is now per diem.

Maybe money can't buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.

#1 complaint of armored car drivers? People they talk to along the way ending the conversation with "...and you can take THAT to the bank!"

Dear millionaires, If you don't have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you're spending it wrong.

The ex says he's come into some money and can finally "take care" of me. Wait...he's gonna have me killed isn't he?