Money Jokes

"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance

I've bought drinks for guys and not as an equality thing but because when I'm drunk I forget that money is real.

*barges into bank with guns drawn Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt! *hands out sunglasses all around Nice. Nice.

Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

"Money isn't everything" - Someone with a shitload of dough

Officer: You drinking? Me: You buying? Oh how we laughed and laughed.... PS: I need bail money.

Just found out my bank won't cash these so-called "rain checks." This is bullshit.

How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy.. with interlocked fingers.. INTERLOCKED FINGERS? send bail money!

Why didn't Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]

*hires skywriter Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

I don't dance. Unless it's for money.

too poor for whole foods too ugly for walmart

A new BBC documentary accuses Hitler of millions of dollars worth of tax evasion. Man, the more I learn about this guy, the less I like him!

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

College: Now that you're making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year Me: lol College: lol ikr?

Please stop telling me how poor you are via Twitter for iPhone

the poor people on welfare should not eat steak and sea food. they should be drinking raw sewage out of an old boot while thanking me

Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

Why is the economy so bad has anyone told these guys there's always money in the banana stand

Where's the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form?

Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.

people: u should smile me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks