Money Jokes

WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

This homeless guy asked me for money, I was like "I don't think so, not with that ugly voice"

1. Loan someone a pocket knife. 2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag. 3. Explain you need a knife with someone else's prints on it.

Chopped: College Edition. "In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes."

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely. Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks. Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms? Me: Ohh!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30%of their ice cream.

.@Oprah If I were as rich as you I'd shit on the floor & tell a senator to pick it up.

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible.

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money's on LACK of intelligence.

[bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!

Rob Zombie is a good musician but also a great way to make money when the undead rise from their graves

long-term plan is to let my debt build into the millions and when I die have a golden tombstone that says COME COLLECT IT IN HELL, TAX MAN

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea.

I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Opening a Twitter account is like opening a bag of money after you rob a bank. You're happy until shit explodes in your face.

Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.

It's not all about the money. It's all about all shit I can buy with the money.

Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.

How to cow tip: First, sneak up behind the cow. Next, get into a wide stance. Finally, slip the money into it's bell.

Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn't have any common sense.

[robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"