Money Jokes

If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it.

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they've sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

My son just said he's going to write his name on our cat with a raisin. Guess I won't have to waste money on college.

When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."

Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

the worst part about a shark eating your legs off is when you realise your wallet was in your pocket

"HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?" - Indians

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California. Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too? Me: and Saturn.

"Sir, I need to ask you to please stop spanking your monkey. This is a bank." "Fine, but I'm never coming here again. Come on, George."

Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.

The iPad Air is named after what's left in your bank account when you buy one.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What's important is that you're rich & you have a giant castle

Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don't work and don't pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.

What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Pixar says Toy Story 4 is about Hamm, the piggy bank, being turned upside down as executives try to shake every dime out of the franchise.

Wife: "Tony is coming round" Me: "Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?" Tony: "I'm here for the money." *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn't stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.

I'd love to show a fountain to someone from the 3rd world: "This is our water showing off contraption. We also throw our extra money in it"

Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.

[being mugged] ME: can i keep things of sentimental value? ROBBER: ok ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash...my lucky debit card