Money Jokes

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing

GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY AND MY MONEY ON.. mmy mind.? but thats on my money, my money cant b on it, [concertgoers start whispering nervously]

Banks suck ass. First they get bailed out with $700B of our money, then they're like "You can't use Wingdings for the font on your checks."

This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.

I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card? Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

*walks up to cute teller at bank* Me: you wanna grab lunch some time? T: sir, I've seen your balance. M: yea, I was hoping you'd buy.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.

The worst thing about being single is wondering if I'll ever have kids. Like, what if I just keep making money & having fun forever? Scary!

NORAD tracking Santa? Really? That's what my tax dollars are going to? You're tracking a fictitious fat dude?

Wife holding bank statement: What's this payment? Me: we're sponsoring a panda! W: so is this monthly? M: No, it's just for the one skydive

"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"

accountant: "youre basically broke" wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff" me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"

Aww you passed out, let's see what you've got in your wallet, shall we?

Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I'm wondering how much money I spent last night.

Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It's weird "You can secretly watch Netflix at work" Oh, please take literally all of my money.

I wish there was an app where I could point my phone at someone and find out exactly how much money they make.

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses. Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

They refused to take my order just because I was wearing a dastardly Dracula cape. The people at the blood bank have no sense of humour.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

I love money. I set it free and it didn't come back. Relationships are hard.

"The Great Gatsby" is an awesome book about a rich guy who can't get laid.

Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno