Money Jokes

Being rich seems convenient.

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.

My daughter's boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I'll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

True love doesn't care about the look or size of your wallet, it's all about what is inside ..... the wallet.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

"Can I buy you a drink?" "I'd rather just have the money"

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I've started to roll my own batteries.

[First Date] Me: I can't believe we're on a date! It's not cause my fathers rich is it? Him: No. He's very handsome too Me: CHECK PLEASE

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

Wild horses could easily drag me away. In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

*Makes pinatas that look like people's exes *Retires a billionaire

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange.

My friend's getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it's as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Buy followers? No thanks. I'm married so I spend enough money on people I don't talk to

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone's asleep now. Grab the money.

"U put on suntan lotion?" "No" "Youll get sunburned!" *sun descends, his voice echoes loudly* "NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?"

After the Titanic sank, rich people got their revenge by spending the last hundred years melting all the icebergs.

i need a hug(e amount of cash money)

"Where's my money?" - a loan shark "Where are my friends? - alone shark

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

"Why won't you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?" [ sigh ] "You're a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe." [ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]