Money Jokes

I've got the "turning beer into pee" routine perfected. Now if I can figure out how to reverse the process then I'll be rich!

I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...

Apparently shouting out "he has a gun" isn't the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.

I really like money, but I don't like to work.

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

Just saw a guy with a chain wallet. A bunch of people were trying to steal his wallet, but they couldn't

My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

My bank says my password isn't strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald's on pay day.

Halle is the only Blackberry I'd pay money for.

give a man a fish, and he'll just expect more free fish. teach a man to fish, and you can stick him with crippling fishing school debt

ever notice how santa give rich kids better presents than poor kids. come on 8yr olds put your thinking caps on

[robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!

I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.

Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go.

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I'm so excited.

My investment plan is to accumulate enough of the bank's pens to offset my overdraft fees.

Be honest, do you think I could pull off tax evasion, or is it only cool when rich people do it?

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Ad: You like to save money, right? Me (thinking): dear god, they've read my diary

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY - WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

Bully: Give me your lunch money Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn't Money

I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks "How are you?" Not good, Maria. Clearly.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

i would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders