Money Jokes

Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

[at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

When I said 'You can't buy my love.' I meant with your salary.

Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

*adult mutant ninja turtles sit in the kitchen doing taxes* you guys wanna smoke a joint? "were not teens anymore dude" *donatello sobs*

[male bank teller gives my niece a sucker] Me: What do you say? Niece: My aunt's single, do you have money? Me: lol how embarrassing! Do u?

Twenty-seven dollars is probably the most money that's ever been in a wallet with a chain attached to it.

My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'

Richmond's baseball team had midget wrestling last night, if anyone's looking for a city with rich culture and a progressive vibe.

Too bad the opposite of "mo money, mo problems." isn't "no money, no problems."

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn't pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

*panics during bank robbery* "Uhhhh hi yeah I'd like to put this gun in my safety deposit box"

Your resume just says "falconer" "And?" Well, this is a bank *falcon starts break-dancing* "Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"

ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now

Bank of America is halting foreclosures in all 50 states as part of an investigation into why 7 people in the U.S. still have homes.

I only want to make enough money so that I don't ever have to know how anything works

"All you need is love." -billionaire musicians

"What attracted you to our company?" Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I'm BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha! TELLER: Haha! COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM