Money Jokes

I just saved a bunch of money by not paying any bills cuz I don't have a job.

Nodding my head like yeah moving my hips like yeah selling my blood like yeah because I made a series of poor financial decisions like yeah

Poor handicapped guy on the train forgot to put the breaks on his wheel chair. It was like watching the Pinball Wizard.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*

Money's missing from under my pillow, I think I've been visited by the teef fairy.

CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

I hate ramen noodles. *Checks bank account balance* I love ramen noodles!

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you'll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

I'm doing my own taxes so I'll probably be in jail this time next year.

Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria's trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Neat how we spend so much time and money on the war against pot but there are people driving around with eyelashes and antlers on their cars

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

"It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh." "Ok, got it doo-shah."

I just bought something with money at a store. Now I'm taking it home. I guess it's true: you get what you pay for.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that's why it's trying to get you. WE DON'T KNOW!

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn't do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn't getting paid enough.

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it's getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

i went to middle school with a kid named jonathan math. poor dude was HORRIBLE at math. the expectations of his last name weighed too heavy