Money Jokes

My spouse just said I'm such a cheap date that he knew he'd actually save money by marrying me. I'm apparently the Geico of women.

Kelly Ayotte says "Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids." She's right, kids don't pay taxes either.

Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

We save a lot of money on Halloween costumes by having naturally ugly children.

Batman Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred Cons: Robin

[interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?!? Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

I bet it really confuses poor Forrest Gump to see Lt. Dan on TV solving crimes in New York.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

If I don't wake up with Britney Spears' body circa "I'm a Slave 4 U" and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa's not real.

There is no amount of money I wouldn't pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I'm great at pole dancing.

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

GOOD NEWS... If you make minimum wage you don't have to pay income tax or eat.

I've been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics. TakeJuan'sdough.

NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it.

[bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

[talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.